yada yada yada.. like ugly Gina over there” he said across the classroom. “She’s cool with it and yada yada yada

I smiled as everyone else turn around to see this Gina the lecturer has been referring as ugly earlier. I couldn’t hear the rest of his sentence as the huge grin on my face has blocked away all my ability to hear.

I wouldn’t say I was embarrassed by his reference, whereas I am more uncomfortable with the way people turned their heads to take a quick look of the person mentioned before, me. It was our joke though, we say mean weird things to each other. Oh well, friends do that I guess. He called me ugly, I would call him uglier and so on and so on.

Well, the next part though is what silenced me through the rest of the night. Just the moment he started to make another mean comment about me, a girl shot her arm in the air, saying, “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t talk about Gina like that. That’s not really nice.” cutting in the middle of the point he was about to make.

I was quite taken aback by her comment, I am quite close to her, and she really is the person any introvert person wants to be. I look up to her, like a mentor and she’s always there whenever I have issues.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one tensed up by this – what do you call this? a friction? a setback? whatever this is – surprise. My body tensed, my smile literally looked like it was cemented there, cause I can feel all the other parts of my face certainly didn’t cooperate with that smile.

It was the first time I realized, how disrespectful I was,
toward myself.

That it led people to think it’s okay, I didn’t really matter.

Which led me to think, I didn’t really matter.

Oh dear,
Lightning struck,
Wind gushed frantically.
Nothing is the way it seemed before. 

I could literally feel my imaginary sweat trickling by my forehead.

At the end of the lecture, I came up to her, and she told me, “If you let him do that in front of these much people, nobody would respect you. My heart was pounding and I couldn’t think about anything else, I had to stop him”

Waiting for a comment I failed to give her, she decided she better leave it at that.

Then I sat, on the classroom chair, with the whole class gone. Thinking and contemplating basically.

What now? What do I do now? I guess now that I know better, things should change? How, though? Start where?

I guess everyone should know, that everyone matters. The disabled, the one with a whole lot of debts, the one with mistakes to cover, the one with the goods, the righteous, the poor, the need. E v e r y o n e. 

Love yourself, give yourself a little respect and dignity. 

Whom am I kidding? We all know it’s easier said than done, 😉

So in the end, we all will find a way to live with this hollow shell we refer to as bodies, with its mind and its soul.

Our mind and soul.


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