I met him a few weeks ago. We had a lot in common and we began talking, at first it was just about the silly furry animals, and then it continued to our other interests. He’s funny and sweet. Without realizing, I thought I might actually be attracted to him.

We haven’t even gotten to the sweet part, and already something struck me so hard and so strong that I couldn’t run away from this realization.

In each passing day, the more he texted me, the more I heard your voice. Your voice, not his, not the person I’m talking to. The moment it hit me, I was filled with outrage, bursting fury, mixed with a little pang of sadness and confusion. I was really really close to having everything I ate at lunch thrown up through my esophagus. I was furious, I wanna scream, I wanna break things. Just when I thought I might get somewhere far from the thought of you. You seep right in through the most unthinkable way. I am outraged because I thought I was over you. I wanna cry so loud, I wanna hurt so bad.

Just when I thought I might be over you, I am back to square one. Crawling on my knees.

It’s not fair, you’re not here anymore. You were someplace else beyond, and for a while I thought I was too and now I’m back to right where we first started, but it’s only me this time.

My friends called me a fool, they called me selfish, they called me petty, they called me things. Which doesn’t help at all. Because whatever they say, I already did before, and now I have to re-do them? Do you know how exhausted I am? Trying to get somewhere only to be thrown back to the beginning, all those time I thought of progress, all those time I learned to be strong. Have I even learned at all? 

I wondered what it was that I missed, since I am very well aware that we could not be together again, at least not for now. I churned my brain upside down, trying to figure out what I missed.

It came to me, that
I missed the way you make me feel
I missed the way you took great care of me even when I couldn’t care of me
I missed the way you loved me more than I love myself

All those things I missed, the parts that were long gone before you left, are the parts that he reminded me of you. Oh how I missed the old times, when things were simpler and we were in love and now, I’m not even able to feel attracted, not even close.

I thought you might wanna know, how miserable I am.
That’s why they call me sad and pathetic.


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